Right. Fuck it. Time to tackle the obvious.

Tonight’s subject is:

Fucking Students.

But you can’t seriously have a problem with people trying to learn?

No… I have no problem with that…

So… why pick on the ultimate learners?

Here’s why…

NONE OF THEM LEARN ANYTHING USEFUL…

Okay… you get the odd scientist, the odd medical person, the odd mathematician, and the odd… er… Okay, I’m out of useful people.

What do the rest learn? Advertising.

That’s a major generalisation…

Oh, I’m so sorry… let’s see… some learn “media”… some learn about interior design… Oh, and fucking fashion students, let’s not forget them.

Handy…

But we need educated people in these fields…

Umm… Do we?

Do we really need someone who’s dedicated three years of their life to working out where to put the fridge? Or working out what hem-line’s “in” this year? Oh, or creating an edgy “lads” tv-show/magazine. They will produce, within a five percent margin of error, EXACTLY the same retarded results as the rest of their class.
 
Why is this?

It’s because none of them actually have a fucking clue what they’re doing. They listened to some retarded, coke-sniffing, student-fucking, convict of a professor who told them about his ideas. The class, eager to get their work done and get on with having fumbling sex, decide to just “stick all that shit in my own words”.

They will leave university to be accepted by industries who also got there by the same methods. They will be looked down upon and made into the bitches of the people who are already there. Thus it will perpetuate the mystique of being a talentless cock.

Why do they pick these subjects though… rather than picking something that might develop into a career that could be considered… “fulfilling”?

Well… here’s why…

“The course didn’t look too hard and I want to be on TV.”

Yay. So you’re a pussy then? You decided, because you’re an ignorant fucktard, to tackle one of the few subjects you have a clue about? What a shocking surprise that all of those subjects are researched by sitting and picking your arse in front of daytime TV.

However, due to the bankruptcy of modern culture, at least these stupid choices can result in some form of outside employment... There’s some ambition there… albeit very little. There are worse people…

People who study English or Philosophy.

“I went to university for several years and all I got is this stupid degree”.

Congratulations English and Philosophy graduates… you can now look forward to taking a masters so you can… become an English or Philosophy teacher. Thus you can perpetuate the mistake made by the very first English and Philosophy teachers. These subjects never actually go anywhere… you just wait for the fucker ahead of you to die so you can teach people to a point where they are waiting for you to die.

Go you Captain Enterprise.

But look… we all know why you went to university… It was one or all three of these reasons: Either you couldn’t afford to move out of home on your own, you couldn’t get any where you were, or you want to become a pothead without your parents shouting at you.

Oh… and there’s also some of those people who just get told it’s what they should do next… Those are the kind of people who learn especially useless things that they have no interest in… like trampolining or something.

But they’d be useless people without university… at least they’re now mildly employable?

There’s only one reason they are more employable… because they can go “I have a degree…”

Do you note the way they tend to trail off after degree? It’s because they don’t want to say “in 1980’s pop-culture”. Fuckheads.

However, this stream of retarded, lazy stoners has done one thing:

They’ve made it exceedingly hard for anyone who has a brain but not a degree to get a job.

In olden times people just wanted people willing to learn how to do the job. Now they want people who already know other things… and it doesn’t matter if “those things” are the names of all the regular cast members of He-Man.

Next time you meet a student… Ask them questions about their chosen degree… You’ll get one of two answers… either: “We haven’t covered that bit yet” or some vague shit they think sounds like an answer.
Now ask that same person to name the leader of the Thundercats…

Almost all of student life is spent taking drugs, drinking at our expense, trying to fuck retarded students and watching 80’s cartoon DVDs. The last interest any of them have is learning. Work is something designed to be done at the last minute… Often by the little bitches coming crying to me. I find it endlessly ironic that I am averaging a 2:2 in several subjects.

A poem on learning:

Oh shit this thing’s due today,
To work this year I did say,
I’ll do it when I get back,
From nuzzling student crack,
Attempting to sink my loins,
Paying for my beer with coins,
Or maybe a cheque if Mum and Dad,
Have give me money, that’d be rad.
I have this essay on the second world war,
But I’m too busy being a cheap-ass whore,
If I bitch and whine to that bloke Pete,
I can suckle on his coursework teet,
He’ll sit and do all my work, he will,
Just because myself, I’ll threaten to kill.*

*only a mild exaggeration

But enough about learning… Let’s get properly onto the people themselves:

It’s a welcome return of the series:

Identify a…

Fucking Students.

I just spotted an:  Angry, dyed-hair, clumpy boot wearing woman:

You’ve spotted Emma. I can’t say much here because she’d hit me.

Genus:  Scottish.

I just spotted a: Long-haired bloke in a ratty jumper. He looks like he has TB.

 Ah… You’ve spotted a Male Student. These “raaaaaaaaawk”-obsessed tits come complete with their own dubious band that will play whiney music detailing quite how life hard is being a sociology student. They will talk about their angst at length in order to get some. They will proceed to do so to any other person they meet. They will maintain a standard of hygiene somewhat similar to those peasants who have to root through land-fills in order to find banana skins to feed their family.
 Many will smoke ratty roll-up cigarettes. They will balk at paying over a pound for any alcoholic beverage. They will balk despite the fact Mummy and Daddy have reluctantly dumped another two hundred quid into his bank account.
 The music career he is so passionate about will last roughly four months. Not a single gig will be played. On the off-chance one is played it will be in tiny room to a bunch of students. These gigs are exclusively staged to try and get some.

Genus: Noisius Ratmonkius

 This all appears rather ill-conceived and not particularly fleshed-out… Is this because of some personal bitterness… possibly women-related?

 We haven’t covered that in class yet.

Another poem about students:

I’m a student, yes it’s true,
I do even less than Petey-do,
Most of my time is spent half-cut,
And getting rather off my nut,
I will live forever in the cold,
Growing lots of personal mold,
The highlight of my intellectual year,
Will be alcohol poisoning due to beer.

p.s. The following students are not including in the above diatribe because they're not actually annoying:

Northern Vicky

That is all.

back to duck.