Pandas

Pandas.

Fucking Pandas.

 Why does everyone love pandas when the only important critic, nature, hates the bastards?

 Look at it on your TV screen… Look beyond the “cuteness”. Look at it and think “Wow, it’s an animal that has to eat more bamboo a day than B&Q sells in a month.” All it ever does is sit and stuff its face with garden cane. Oh, and it also refuses to have sex.

 Sum total of the panda’s use?

 Fuck all.

 Sharks, on the other hand, apart from some specialist hand wringing most people go “I don’t want to get eaten by a shark.”

Yeah… okay…

However… if pandas ate people? Fuck it, I bet they’d be queuing round the block in order to fling themselves into the gaping black and white maw.

Why is this? Is it because fluffy toy pandas are fun to cuddle at night… whereas sharks are normally pointy? Is it because pandas are Endangered and sharks are just Fairly Fucked? Is it because people like things that sit in the zoo and don’t move rather than things that spring from the depths and tear them in half? No. It’s none of these. It’s because people are a bunch of delusional pussies.

 Sharks are among the best things in the world. This is because they eat Australians and white South Africans.
 Pandas kill….. themselves? I don’t know… I don’t think they even rip the arms of children like gorillas do. Mind you, that’s another thing: Gorillas are marvelous… with a caveat… They’re marvelous only when they’re tearing up toddlers. The rest of the time? Bah… not that much different from the pandas really. They sit around and we watch them eat bananas.

 When did you see a shark sitting miserably eating a banana? Never… if it was eating anything it would be a surfer.

 But let’s give the panda a chance… after all… you want me to give him a chance don’t you? He’s so fluffy…

 Right… provide me footage of a panda punching through the window of a Volvo at a safari park. Show me it wrenching out a screaming family and peeling them… Then put their skins on… and start some fires…

 If I get documentary proof of this I will change my opinion. Otherwise, if ever I meet a panda, I will kick it to death.

 Let’s tackle the most important thing about pandas…

 They have the sex drive of Margaret Thatcher with a headache.

 It’s not like they can surely have trouble finding each other attractive… What the hell does a panda expect a mate to look like?

Male panda: I need to shag something… what’s the crumpet like around here…
Female panda 1: Hello do you want to shag?
Male panda: I’m sorry, you just don’t look enough like me with a hole. Whereas that panda there…
Female panda 2: I’m sorry… You look too much like my father.

 Frankly, what the hell else do we need to know about pandas? Surely there’s no redeeming feature to encourage us to save it from extinction?

 One thing…. There’s one good thing about them…
 If I’m ever afflicted by the droop I want one nearby to grind up. The Chinese made 90% of the semi-functional crap in my house so they must be on to something.
 
 Fuck pandas