Moby Dick Bonus Material.

Deleted Scenes.

It is a little known fact that Herman Melville originally envisioned a very different version of his masterpiece Moby Dick.  Long thought lost, these scenes were originally cut by his editor due to a number of reasons.  These reasons are unknown, and frankly, unnecessary as not that many people actually paid attention when reading the book. As will rapidly become obvious, Melville didn’t read the book either.

We present these scenes with my own personal commentary.

Anonymous Literary Critic
 

Scene 1.

Note- Many of the original cast members were removed and will appear completely new to the experienced reader.  

            “Ahoy” proclaimed Bill the Sailor.
            “Ahoy” replied Arnold the sailor.
            The pair strode to the fishmarket.

This scene originally led to the much talked-about “Brothel Scene”. The Brothel scene itself is sadly lost as the pages of Melville’s manuscript are stuck together.

Scene 2.

In this scene we are introduced to the comic-relief.  Bastad St-Clair, an eccentric and syphilitic French nobleman was to feature heavily throughout the first draft.  His loss, via a plethora of red lines through text and starkly final “NO”’s is one of the truly sad examples of editorial murder.

            “We go in cage… Cage go in sea… Whale in sea… our whale” said Ahab as he stroketh his chin.
            “Whoopsy” exclaimeth Bastad as his hoes fell to the floor like a whore spotting sailors.
            “The Great White Whale… I will devour his palpitating heart and strike off his member with a yukutan” cried Ahab to his crew.
            Bastad, draw-less, began masturbating rhythmically while his parrot perched upon his salty member.

Bastad, probably the rival to Shakespeare’s Falstaff or Disney’s Jerry Lewis, would have lightened the tome and made it far more accessible to the casual reader.  Melville’s editor was a humourless cock.

Scene 3.

Probably the highlight of Bastad’s amputated tour-de-force is this scene.  It was originally part of the suspenseful Spider Scene.  

            “Fucking spider on my leg… fucking spider on my leg… There’s a fucking spider on my leg.”
            I watched as Bastad struck at his thigh like a man possessed.  I, for all my wits, could see no spider on his leg.
            “There’s a fucking spider on my fucking leg” screamed Bastad, drawing a sharp blade from his cod-piece.
            “Calm now Brother,” I cried, trying to prevent him inflicting mortal harm to a spider-less thigh, “it is but your mind’s eye deceiving you.”
            “Who the fuck are you?” said Bastad suddenly staring at me with murderous intent.
           
The castration of the narrator that followed was referred to constantly in the remaining pages of the original text.  Bastad never did catch the spider.

Scene 4.

As a literary critic my main purpose is to point out that there’s only one page worth of plot in even the longest book.  However, if the original manuscript of Moby Dick had been released, I would have summed it up in two lines… but what great lines…

            “It’s just a fucking whale Ahab” I sighed, patting him on the shoulder.
            “Women don’t understand me” Ahab said.
           
Many people would suggest that this exchange implies that Ahab preferred contact with salty seamen rather than a woman’s touch.  Perhaps it even tells us that, to Ahab, women are nothing but killing machines with a gaping hole.  I am personally operating under the belief that Melville got distracted, perhaps by a cup of tea being brought to him, and merely started writing an entirely different book.  This theory is supported by the previous paragraph.

“I took her passionately and asked she call me Ishmael.”

Another theory is that Ahab was dumped mid-paragraph and took it badly.

Scene 5.

Even I, a respected critic, have very little memory of where this fitted in.  I can’t really remember the book that well.  I did see the very long Patrick Stewart remake of the original movie version… but I think it was a two-parter and I missed the other bit.

            “Listen” cried Ahab, striking the Whale with great force, “I challenge thee to a duel.”
            “It’s a whale…” I told Ahab, trying to cool his passionate fury.
            “It’s a fucking bitch… my fucking bitch…” screamed Ahab.
            “Less it Ahab, he ain’t worth it” I told him.
            “No, fuck him.  See… look… I’m fucking his blow-hole… is he stopping me?  No.  Who’s the bitch now… bitch.”
            Ahab screamed and continued to plunge his hips with fiery rage.
            “Ahab, that’s Bastad, not the whale” I chuckled.
            “From hell’s heart I spit at thee” grunted Bastad.
           
From this we can discern that Bastad did not love Ahab.

Alternative Ending.

In most cases alternative endings offer from a mere minor variation in text to a completely polar opposite outcome.  Melville’s original ending is different in that almost the entire preceding book took a very different course to the finished product.  For reasons of completeness, we present everything I could be bothered to type up.

            We stood, surrounded by a thousand angered penguins.  Ahab stood, leg in hand, over the crumpled corpse of their leader. 
            “I thought they were all Emperor Penguins” he protested.
            “I said he was The Emperor Penguin… singular… with a The” I told him.
            “Listen… maybe we can cut a deal” he shrugged.
            “Do you have fish?” I asked.
            “No… but they can have… what’s his name… er… Ki-ki?”
            “You know, I really can’t remember his name properly either now that I think about it” I said, appalled at myself.
            “Well, I never had to call him anything other than ‘Yo Bitch’… I was the fucking captain” shrugged Ahab.
            “Wow… I feel like a bit of a prick really… I couldn’t spell his name if I tried” I remarked.
            “Stupid name” grunted Ahab.
            “It was an ethnic one… it probably meant something cool” I chided.
            “Did it mean ‘expendable’?” asked Ahab.
            “I don’t think so.”
            “Well, it isn’t very fucking apt now is it?”
            “Captain… we’re getting distracted… The penguins…”
            “Fuck the penguins.”
            “You’re only making things worse” I snapped.
            “They’re penguins, they don’t understand what I’m fucking saying.”
            “Yet the whale was your arch fucking nemesis?” I yelled.
            “It’s a whale… they have big brains… penguins… small.”
            “All a fucking whale does is go up and down… it’s a big fucking cod” I screamed.
            “What’s a penguin do different?  Sure, it can hop onto rocks… but I don’t see what it gains from that… hell, I’m on the same fucking rock and am I happy about it? No” shouted Ahab petulantly.
            “Well, they can look fucking pissed off when you kill their leader.”
            “The tree of… er… liberty must be refreshed with the blood of tyrants and patriots… or something like that…”
            “You don’t even know who said that… you’re quoting Ed Harris in The Rock.”
            “Look, maybe he was a shit Emperor… maybe he was mean.”
            “Quit trying to weasel your way out of this.”
            The penguins quacked.            
            “Yo mamma’s so fat” began Ahab.
            “Shut the fuck up” I snapped.
            There was a long, awkward pause.
            “What happened to the whale anyway?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
            “Fuck knows…” shrugged Ahab “I moved on.”

back to duck.