The Day the Love Slid on Some Unseen Ice.

You told me we were in love,
That you were a hand in my glove,
Every evening we’d go walking,
Through the woods just talking,
So I asked if you were deranged,
Then it all went and changed,
And you said.

Chorus:
You look like a whore
You look like a whore
You look like a whore
You look like a whore
In that hat.

I told you I was not happy,
You said that you were a nappy,
I pressed my face to your glass,
So you put your fist up my ass,
I asked you why you had changed,
How’d we grown so estranged?
And you said:

The summer ended in a rainy day,
Autumn came with endless dismay,
You’d lost your face in a blender,
My letters returned to the sender,
So I asked if you’d rearranged,
And saw you’d been manged.
And you said:

The Cat’s Got The Cancer.

Oh, the cat’s got the cancer by the silver moon,
Little boy run down by a car at high noon,
When’s he coming home?
No I don’t know when,
Terry Waite’s been kidnapped by terrorist men.

Oh, the cat’s got the cancer by the silver moon,
Drummer of The Who was called Keith Moon,
When’s he coming home?
Oh he’s quite dead,
Terry Waite’s been freed by terrorist men.

Oh, the cat’s got the cancer by the silver moon,
Little dog tried to operate with a rusty spoon,
When will he wake up?
Oh, who cares when?
Terry Waite dyed his hair with Just For Men.

Running Through The Rain With My Baby.

Running through the rain with my baby,
Gonna slip on some dip? Gonna maybe,
Is this safe, is this wise?
Got this clouding of my eyes.

Chorus:

Cataracts cloud my eyes,
Cataracts cloud my eyes,
Cataracts cloud my eyes,
Cataracts cloud my eyes,
Cataracts cloud my eyes,
I’m gonna end up blind.

Lots and lots of pain, dropped my baby,
Hit my head on some bread. Fracture? Maybe.
Was I safe, was I wise?
Gotta have surgery on my eyes.

Baby fell down the drain, dropped my baby,
Got a coathanger? Fishing line? Maybe.
Is it safe, is it wise?
Had to amputate both my eyes.

I Was About To Say That But I Thought You’d Find It Offensive.

I hate your head,
I hate your bread,
Didn’t hear what you said,
‘Cause was wishing you dead.

Chorus

Women are annoying.
They talk about shoes.
Women are annoying.
They never pay for food.
Women are annoying.
They leave the seat down.
Women are annoying.
They bleed once a month.

I hate your friends.
I hate your Depends.
I didn’t hear what you said,
Because I’d pissed the bed.

I hate you.
I hate you.
Women are annoying.
That’s it.

Going to the dump.

We’re going to the dump in my car.
It’s got poor economy but it’s not far.
Put it in third gear now,
Put the right foot down,
Fuck we jus’ hit a badger.

Chorus.

Killed a badger on the way to the dump
Killed a badger on the way to the dump
Burst his head like a blood balloon,
Burst his head like a blood balloon.

Got his brains in the treads of the tire,
Not a nice way for the guy to expire,
Picking with a matchstick,
Bloodpulp… I feel sick.
Fuck we jus’ hit a badger.

Badger used to dance at a travelling show,
Now his reputation sure gonna grow
Animal Elvis, he’s gone,
Yet his legend lives on,
Fuck we jus’ hit a badger.

Woman On The Bus.

You have such pretty hair,
Can I touch you down there?
I won’t if you don’t want me to…
Just blink five times if you do…

Chorus:

One… Two… Three… Four…
Just another you saucy whore,
Blink damn you, damn your eyes,
Let’s  sculpt butter on your thighs.
Let’s  build you a dream house,
With a hand up your blouse.

I stare at your reflection,
Nursing my small erection,
It’s not they way you make me feel,
It’s ‘cause I’m sittin’ over the wheel.
Jus’ five minute’s would do…

I don’t know your name,
Which is quite a shame,
It’s probably something like Sophie,
Let’s get married and you’d be my trophy.
There’s a stone in my shoe…

Don’t get off at this stop,
You don’t need to shop,
We can ride this bus all the way,
And in the garage we can stay.
Although I really need to poo…

The Tramp’s Got Big Issues

Oh the tra…

At this point the tape runs out because the album was recorded on the answerphone of the Samaritans and they’d been having a busy night.

back to duck.